Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
