yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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