Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
