Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Randomize