Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I have tasted many bathrooms
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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