Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
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