I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
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