I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
Did I show you my penis last night?
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
