The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
