Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Randomize