she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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