Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
my nose is crying tears of wow.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
