Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
