Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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