I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Randomize
