We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
