Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
