he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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