I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
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