omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
