So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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