We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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