Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
