He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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