my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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