1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
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