my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
