the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Randomize
