genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
