I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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