My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
