Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
false alarm, still single
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