She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
