just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
