If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Randomize
