I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
