I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I just gargled with NyQuil
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Randomize
