dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
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