and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
