Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
You're a waste of cheezeits
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
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