Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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