i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Randomize
