i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
