Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
