I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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