she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
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