So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Randomize
