If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
