Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
