turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
