I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Randomize
