I should be sponsored by Trojan
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
