Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
