The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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