he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
i would one night stand the shit outta him
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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